“If you are feeling badly about someone’s opinion of you - or perhaps the opinion you imagine that person has of you - you are giving that individual way too much power and importance. First of all, he or she isn’t necessarily an expert anyway, and - most importantly - your own opinion is really the only one that matters in a current situation. Go easier on yourself, Virgo. Be as kind and compassionate and open-minded about yourself and your own efforts as you would with someone else. You deserve it.”

11:46 am  •  23 January 2011

thatguyles:

I’m walking after you.

(Source: thisguyles)

8:48 pm  •  17 January 2011

I feel like an empty shell of myself.  No thoughts, no emotions, no tears.

I have nothing left to say.

I have nothing left to lose.

12:00 am  •  17 January 2011

There is nothing I don’t have the ability to screw up.  Even this.  You tell me that nothing was my fault and I did nothing wrong - well I figured out a way to change that, didn’t I.  Now you’re mad at me, my mother knows I’m lying about something, I have tons of family that I can’t discuss this with … and more than anything, I just wish you hadn’t seen me like this.  You want normal and simple and I am absolutely none of those things.  I am a well-put-together mess who completely adores you.  Right now I want nothing more than to sit on the couch with you and your dog, just holding me and watching movies.  Or just to see your name on my caller ID.  Will that ever happen again?  I try to make the best of situations, but I am utterly overwhelmed and sad - a bad combination on a good day.  I’m still mad at you for choosing the worst moment to end things, but I know I didn’t handle things well.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to be surprised or clingy when you pull away from me.  I’ll miss you and I’ll be (more) devastated but you need to do what’s best for you.  And right now, I sincerely doubt that that’s me.  I ruined that, didn’t I?

4:11 pm  •  16 January 2011

inthefade:

Find someone who makes you laugh. Find someone who makes you laugh at six o’clock in the morning and eleven o’clock at night. Find someone who makes you laugh when you feel like crying. Find someone who makes you laugh when you are anxious or scared or nervous. Find someone who gets a big laugh out of their own jokes, who laughs with you, who makes you laugh at yourself and at the world, who can cause these little lines to form around the side of your mouth because you laugh so much.

Find someone who makes you laugh.

8:49 pm  •  15 January 2011  •  71 notes

.. from doing something incredibly self-destructive and stupid.  You know how you tell a child not to touch the hot stove?  And, predictably, that is the very first thing they try to do?  Yeah, that.  I wouldn’t be thinking about doing this if you hadn’t told me not to.  But now it’s all I can think of and I don’t know what to do.  I’m still crying frequently and just don’t know what to do.

Help me.

5:07 pm  •  15 January 2011

I am an optimist.  I see hope in everything - or try to.  I see the best and the good in people, and (occasionally to my detriment) ignore the bad.  So when you tell me to “not read too much into this,” it pretty much guarantees that I already have.  And when I realize that what meant so much to me meant so little to you, there’s a chance I may never forgive you for making me hope.  But … what am I without any hope?

1:09 pm  •  15 January 2011

Do I do what I want to do, knowing full well that it’ll probably hurt me in the near/distant future? Or what I should do, which will hurt me now, but not prolong things? Heart vs. Mind. Has anyone ever found a good solution??

10:35 am  •  15 January 2011

In the last week:

• my grandfather passed away (he had lived a long, full life, but that doesn’t mean I’m not sad)
• drove 1,000 miles in three days to travel home for the wake and funeral, and to be a comfort to my mother
• drove home in a blizzard because I wanted to be comforted by my boyfriend
• only to discover that my boyfriend cheated on me with a stripper while drunk … on the day my grandfather passed away
• my boyfriend is now my ex-boyfriend (and my current co-worker - yay?)

2011 sucks so far.   :(

6:02 pm  •  14 January 2011

So …. LP and I are dating now.  :D  He missed me while I was stranded in New York.  Something I hadn’t realized - when you work 5 days a week with someone, hang out after work and at least one day on the weekends, they don’t get a chance to miss you.  So as stressful as my Christmas break turned out to be, this is most certainly the silver lining.

My current dilemma … LP has known for a while that I have a Tumblr account and has made it no secret that he’s interested in reading it.  I think it’s just curiosity more than anything else.  But I won’t give it to him and I think it’s really starting to bug him.  I explained that it was like a journal and I just used it mostly to record my thoughts, but in a forum where I could get feedback, etc.  I think he’s just nervous about what I’m writing about him.  Tried to tell me that we have “no secrets” now that we were officially a couple, etc.  I may have laughed at that.  Oops.

So my question today isn’t if I should tell him my Tumblr persona - that’s a definite “no” - but rather how do I tell him no in a way that doesn’t make it sound like I’m hiding something from him?  He doesn’t use Tumblr and doesn’t quite understand it, so I’m at a loss and starting to feel like a broken record.  Ideas?

1:58 pm  •  30 December 2010

So my flight was canceled.  Inexplicably and without warning and just as I was getting in the car to drive to the airport.

*sigh*

Commence more than three hours of frantic scrambling - calling American Airlines and being hung on on twice, looking for rental cars, checking Amtrak schedules, locating my aunt to see if her plans to drive to Maryland tomorrow were still solid.  The poor guy from AA was checking on flights leaving LGA, JFK or ISP and was trying to find me something into RDU or CLT.  I actually told him to cancel the ticket and refund my money, but just as I was about to book a rental car he called back with a JFK>DCA>RDU option that will work.  Granted I’d prefer it be today instead of tomorrow, but at least I don’t have to shell out any money for gas, tolls and rental cars.

Anyway, LPwas awesome.  He stayed with me via AIM and text message and kept me calm(ish), even though he was at work and was feeling pretty sick (sinus infection).  He offered to pick me up in Charlotte if that was all I could find.  Said he’d help me pay for the rental car if I needed assistance until the refund came through on the flight.  Even was indignant on my behalf on how my parents treated me and ignored me for those three hours.  Other than the fact that you can’t get a hug from 500 miles away, he was perfect.  And now I feel (slight) guilt for hoping his plans tonight got canceled because he really is sick and probably isn’t going anywhere.  But he asked to see me tomorrow when I get home and will come to my place after he gets out of work.  If I didn’t have to spend another night in New York, this would be a pretty good ending to a weird, crappy story.

In 24 hours I will be home and this horrible travel ordeal will be over.  There are hugs waiting for me in North Carolina and I want to collect.  :)

5:50 pm  •  28 December 2010

:(

10:05 pm  •  27 December 2010

I have not seen him since Thursday afternoon or “spent time alone” with him since Tuesday night.  I (hopefully) return from my New York trip home tomorrow afternoon at 6pm-ish.  I had hoped (assumed, apparently) that I would get to see him.  He would rather go to a strip club with two friends.

[I do not have a problem with the strip club being the destination (heaven knows I’ve been to enough myself), but that he chose to go (waited to go seems appropriate) on the night I was getting home.]

There is a possibility that plans will get canceled, as they occasionally do, and he will ask me to come over in the evening.  There is no possibility of that happening, barring brain damage on my part.  But damned if I don’t want him to ask so I can say NO.

So now I ask you Tumblr - this is a pretty damn fucking big red flag, right?  What kind of man would rather spend time at a strip club than with a girl he can actually TOUCH and who he hasn’t seen in almost a week?

I guess this is my answer on whether he wants to be with me or not.  Fucking damn it.  I just want to cry.  :’-(

9:04 pm  •  27 December 2010

I am traveling to New York on Thursday for Christmas.  My brother is picking me up in New York, but I have no one to pick me up when I get back to Raleigh.  This should be a bigger red-flag than I’m allowing myself to see.

9:23 pm  •  19 December 2010

I really want to go out and meet people tonight, but apparently everyone else in Raleigh has party-plans tonight.  Plus, that would require showering and finding real clothes.  So instead I’m home watching Hulu and eating Chinese take-out.  But I really still want to talk to people and find interesting conversation.  If anyone out there is in the mood to chat for a little while, please feel free to find me on Google Talk.  I’m JociePops and would love some (virtual) company while I catch up on Burn Notice!

8:51 pm  •  18 December 2010